The time has come for us to see the healing of divorce. Wonderful things can happen when two people love each other enough to let go and go forward separately in their lives. Children can have two parents who love them enough not to subject them to a relationship that creates more pain than unity. My mantra is love you and everyone through everything. Be a best friend and not an enemy to anyone, especially you!
All people are not meant to stay married. Somehow both partners are no longer on the same track. Did they make a mistake? Maybe. Were they together for the time that they were meant to and moved on? Possibly. If both parties are not willing to be together in love than it is a mercy to allow the separation to occur. When fifty percent of marriages end in divorce it is time to focus on the healing and not the sin. Divorce is obviously a rite of passage for some people. It can be a healing instead of a harming time.
A marriage seems to have to get really ugly in order for us to allow ourselves to leave someone we love. Blame, shame and incredible pain gets so bad that you think you are crazy. People leave when it is harder to stay than to go. The partner, who gathers the strength to say enough, is not always the one that leaves. Oftentimes, the other partner left emotionally a long time ago, creating an intolerable situation for all parties.
Having compassion for each other is important. No matter how bad things became in order to make the split happen, there was an underlying love that once was. When you divorce, disconnect from the ugliness. Continuous frustration, anger and pain will make you unhappy and sick and life can be worse and not better if you do not stop negative focus.
Forgive yourself and your ex-partner for this lost dream of family and forever. No matter how bad your ex-partner or you act, you can heal yourself by letting go of pain and blame. In order to leave, it seems that you have to focus on the bad parts. To heal and truly let go is to be grateful for the love and the lessons of growth. Is this easy? Not usually. Is it necessary to happiness and healing? Always.
Taking responsibility for your part in the relationship and the breakup is paramount. It takes two to marry and two to divorce. Most romantic relationships are built on illusion. When the honeymoon is over, reality moves in. Were you clear in communicating who you were and what you expected from the marriage? Did you try to match your partners’ illusion during the courting phase, instead of being yourself? Did you communicate when your feelings began to deteriorate, or when you were feeling hurt? What usually causes us pain is not getting what we want from people and our dreams. Judgment keeps us from loving, trusting and sharing. Did you attack or blame each other instead of trying to understand each other or work things out?
Can divorce be avoided? Sometimes it can. To marry successfully is to make choices by knowing who you are and who your partner is. Oftentimes we grow up after the marriage and find our differences are too much to make a happy union. To take the chance to stay in a marriage is to allow each other time to explore and learn and heal, if it is not beyond hope. I highly recommend that people try to work out their illusions and pains to see if there is a chance to rebuild a new relationship together, before they divorce.
Many people did not know who they were when they married. You also need to know your expectations and needs and family patterns. Is this partner another person with qualities of the parent that caused you pain? Many people marry the parent that hurt them or they did not learn the lessons they needed and choose someone who will challenge them to grow.
Successive divorces means that you did not take the time to truly heal you from your childhood or your first marriage. Heal yourself either way. Life is a journey of loving and learning, not failure and blame.
New Beginnings and Intimacy
It is sad to see how many people avoid personal growth in favor of finding another mate when they are newly single. New relationships can be built on strong foundations of friendship, love and respect, not loneliness and lack of self worth. Take your time to heal and get to know yourself, enjoy friends and family, and build new networks of support, and date when you are ready. Be careful not to rush into a relationship. People who subject themselves and their children to new people, especially staying overnight or moving in quickly are harming all parties.
Wait before you rush to allow someone physical intimacy before you develop true personal intimacy. When a new relationship does not work out, the band-aid of forced intimacy falls off and the wound is still underneath, and may be infected with even deeper pain and disappointment. Or due to fear of loneliness and fear of failure you might also be worse off by hanging onto this new partner who is less compatible than your ex was.
Fall in love with yourself before you open yourself to another partner. Divorce can be your opportunity for new life and a happiness that you would not have experienced if you stayed in your marriage. Here is your time to become an adult by discovering your lost child and inner beauty. In adolescence rediscovered through this new single life, you could be the kid playing and exploring life with the wisdom of the adult.
Don’t be so hard on yourself if you find the wisdom lacking and the kid in you takes over for a spell. This is also a part of what you might need to experience before you come into balance. Like an adolescent, you hope that you make choices that are safe. Unfortunately the feeling of invulnerability of adolescence is an illusion too. Taking up smoking, alcohol and drugs to buffer the pain is a sign to get help. Sexual promiscuity is also a dangerous stage. Venereal disease and pregnancy can and often do occur, along with lower self-esteem.
Take time to go beyond the stages of adolescence and discovery before you focus on selecting a new mate. Sometimes we need to date and be alone a lot to find out who we are and what we want from life and a partner, or even if we really want another partner. Serial monogamy may be a good thing, not to be judged. People who seem to go through many people are probably learning about themselves and all of the possibilities in partners, preparing for the right one. Serial marriages can be a problem caused by not taking the time to wait before making a commitment.
By facing your life alone you can dig deep into your personal resources and strengths. Life is full of options and opportunities. It is time for you to open up to what you want for your life and work. Children and money can seem to be a stumbling block with survival as your focus. They can also be the force that drives you forward. You can thrive, by healing and releasing your past and attending to the now and looking towards an unknown yet viable future.
Choose a good, fair family lawyer who is not looking for your divorce to buy themselves a new BMW or pay for their children’s college. Male and female lawyers are fair and helpful or play you against one another. Choose one who will fight for you but also for your family when you are having ego battles with your spouse.
When you can work out your own fair settlement without fighting, the family wins. When you have to battle it out in the courts, all of the money is spread around making others rich and you and your family lose. Leaving it up to a judge is a crapshoot and even the best case can go the other way so it is worth mediating, being fair and taking care of each other and your family.
It sounds difficult to do since you could not get along married. Taking your time to do it correctly will save you time, money and heartache later. Too many spouses give everything away just to get out and regret it later, especially women. Do not let guilt or fear fuel your divorce. Get counseling and heal you and everyone will benefit.
WORKING AS A TEAM WITH AND WITHOUT CHILDREN
Children can be your strength too. Some of us might go off the deep end if we did not have children to attend to. Having to be responsible for kids can keep you grounded and focused. Is it easy to be the parents or the children in divorce? No, but you can make life heaven or hell for all of you. What is your choice? There is a part of divorce that is never over when you share custody of the children. This is another important reason to heal yourself and have compassion for your ex-mate. As co-parents you will always be bonded.
Loving yourself and your family for who they are, and not who you think they should be, is the best place to begin. Working from truth not illusion will heal your relationships with everyone. You do not have to like everyone, but working with who they are, brings opportunities for the best for all. You need to know your limits and your strengths. You also need to know the limits and strengths of your ex-spouse in order to work with him or her. Judging and blaming is not helpful. Now it is time for you to be a grown up and be positive and healing.
Children need both parents. Kids want to love both parents; no matter how much pain they caused them. Their life is full of illusion too. Yet when you share unconditional love and truth, they have a strong foundation for their life and healthy relationships. So as you work through your issues, you are helping them too. Be careful not to burden children with your frustrations or disappointments, or berate your ex to your children. Do encourage them to love the other parent unconditionally, warts and all. Also keep them safe from harm.
True love is unconditional and if the child goes to the other parent without your baggage or unrealistic expectations of their own, they just might find a wonderful relationship with both of you. You may also find a friend in your ex. A much easier life waits when you treat her/him and yourself with respect. It is also important to allow space and responsibility to develop in his/her own relationship with your joint children apart from you.
Letting go of control and ego issues is very important in this process. Children are better off when their parents stick together in parenting instead of empowering them to work you against each other and ultimately themselves with family as a battleground instead of a safe haven.
I understand that all parties may not be able to be adults for all or part of the process. It is for you to show up and grow up and love yourself and all of you enough to be loving and kind and stand up for correct behavior and action instead of two wounded siblings trying to get your own way.
Can you have happily ever after divorce? Absolutely! I encourage you to love yourself enough to find it. It takes intention and action. Go for it. You can only heal yourself; so do not wait for your ex to change. The worst that can happen is that it can be a simpler, easier life within yourself and the others who travel with you.
SINGLE AGAIN AND DIVORCE WITHOUT CHILDREN
Going through grief and loss alone can be scary and difficult. Your bond with your spouse defined you and now you are one. Find support in community and in close friends. Sometimes friends and family are threatened by your new status. They may be afraid for you or they may see you in them and run away or attack. Divorce can show us how intertwined we are with many people and how our life affects the world around us.
Divorce is a death and much more pain and suffering and loss than you realize until you go through it. Everyone is different and needs respect and not judgment.
You may need to find new friends immediately who can relate to you and support you, as you are likely to support them. You are changing social status and will find a new tribe as you may also keep some of your old one. Being alone gives you the opportunity to be all one as you put all of the pieces of you together and find a new life of peace and love inside.
Be gentle and kind with you. You are not a bad person or a failure. Grief can be extreme and thoughts of death may creep in. Let go of those and find new life and appreciation in each moment to help you survive and thrive.
You are going through a death process and need abundant time and love to heal. One moment at a time. Stay positive and loving to you and it will be easier to be compassionate and balanced through all of the stages.
It takes years and not months, so settle in and allow the process.
The best that can happen is that you are a happier, healthier person.
In-Joy and Love, Janet StraightArrow
Janet has raised two wonderful grown daughters who were 5 and 7 when they separated and moved, and has an ex-husband who were all grateful that Janet kept the family together with wisdom, strength and love. She has counseled many families through difficult family transitions and assisted in helping family members of all ages and traditions heal and embrace a new life. Her success rate in helping marriages find a new ground in love is also high.
The key is honoring the truth and loving you and all through life-changing events and beyond. Twenty-four years later in 2008 at the tender age of 29, the family lost their youngest daughter suddenly and become closer which would not have occurred without deep love and support of each other as family all along.
Janet StraightArrow is a Woman of Medicine in Modern and Ancient Traditions. She has studied healing and happy successful living and walked it consciously for forty-five years through tremendous loss, careers and relationships and coached people and professionals for thirty years.
As StraightArrow her grounded professionalism and deep love and appreciation and compassion for everyone has allowed her success in her former career in Real Estate and current career in Coaching, Teaching and Healing and Life.
Janet holds two degrees in Nutrition and Psychology and a variety of certificates, trainings and apprenticeships in many modalities from around the world in mind-body-spirit medicine. You can see her listed in Who’s Who of American Women, Who’s Who in Medicine and Healthcare and Who’s Who in the World.
Her ground breaking work BE THE MEDICINE is focused on you being the best you can be as the solution in all areas of health and life. Books and programs evolving.
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Please pass this on to someone or family who may be helped with this writing. Blessings. Janet